Progressive, Flo, and the Snapshot Discount

“That’s a buncha bullcrap” is the only thing you can really say about Flo. So you’re telling me that this actress who was relegated to the phone systems closet in Mad Men has somehow “made it” because she is now in some hypnotic white room staged as a woman we all want to punch in the face? If I hadn’t been with Progressive for the past 15 years I would boycott them based on their ad campaign alone.

Ever heard of the “Snapshot Discount®”? Of course you have. That’s because you heard it from That’s a Buncha Bullcrap Flo. What That’s a Buncha Bullcrap Flo is trying to get you to do is put a small device into your car that will allow Progessive to track you 24 hours a day for 6 months. Now THAT’S A BUNCHA BULLCRAP!

Initially we tried the Snapshot Discount® because we drive our SUV pretty infrequently and they offer up to a 30% discount with it. We ordered it and followed the instructions by putting the device into the OBD-II slot under the driver’s side of the dashboard. This is the slot that DEQ uses to test your emissions and the mechanic uses to charge you $100 to “diagnose” your Check Engine Light. It’s basically a USB port to your car’s computer system.

So we put the device in and started driving very carefully. VERY CAREFULLY. Because we soon found out that there were a few things Progressive was looking to ding us on:

1)      Number of trips
2)      Mileage
3)      Driving during DANGER hours
and finally…
4)       Hard Braking Incidents (Now That’s a Buncha Bullcrap!)

Hard braking incidents, as defined by Progressive, are times during which your vehicle is decelerating by at least 7 miles per hour per second. Think about that. How long does it take you to go from 22 mph to 15 mph? No idea, right? That’s why THAT’S A BUNCHA BULLCRAP!

We actually did very well with the SUV. We ended up getting an initial discount of the full 30%. You get that after 30 days. Then they tell you to leave that damn device in your car until the end of the 6 month policy! Now THAT’s a buncha bullcrap.

So we left the device in for months. Every time you drive the damn thing you drive in fear. You think about it constantly. You worry. You fret. You joke about it listening to your conversations but you end up believing it so you have phony confersations with your spouse about how safe you are (while you’re flipping the bird at a 90 year old woman who just cut you off…hypothetically). So after having this little demon in our car for nearly half a year I finally received an email from That’s a Buncha Bullcrap Flo to return the device. We had earned a (I guess) permanent discount of 28%. Shwew!

Well, you know I bought a Prius. What I might not have mentioned was that while I’m getting amazing gas mileage I actually have to pay a higher insurance premium than the Subaru it replaced. Why? I don’t know. It doesn’t make much sense other than Prius drivers are typically the worst drivers on the planet. What is it about environmentalism that makes people such a bad fit for soceity? The point is that we ended up putting the device in the Prius and then checking the log on the website daily. That’s a Buncha Bullcrap! I was getting hard braking incidents on top of hard braking incidents. And they added a really nice new feature to the Snapshot®…it beeped at me when I had an “incident”. Except that it didn’t beep every time! So now I’m thinking I had two incidents in a week when really I had 7! NOW THAT’S A BUNCHA BULLCRAP!!!!

By the end of the Snapshot® trial I had lost 6 pounds, 3 years off my life and was rewarded with a 2% discount. Thanks for nothing, That’s a Buncha Bullcrap Flo, thanks for nothing.

A Comparison

We have been church shopping for a while now. If you’ve never done it, it’s not the easiest thing in the world. It’s great meeting new Christians and learning how they worship, but it’s also difficult because you go into each place with a loose preconceived notion about what it is you’re really looking for. We’ve tried maybe 5 churches in 5 months, but we’d yet to find the right match for us as a family. Some places have good music but weak sermons, some have good sermons but no real children’s ministry, etc. etc.

Well, last Sunday we decided to try out Mars Hill Portland which is a plant from a large and thriving Seattle-based church. We really liked everything about it. In fact, I even had the chance to relive some of my political campaigning days after the service when a group of 20 protestors chanted outside and screamed at everyone, including children, about how we were bigots who are going to hell. I mean, what’s not to love about that?

I’m not really here to write about the sermon or the church. What I really want to write about is a bit taboo, but if you can’t blog about these things then what’s the use of having a blog? I pick my nose. I’ve done it for a long time. I’ve refined it as I’ve matured. No longer do I “flick and hope”. No longer do I “smear and hide”. I’ve become more of a “roll into a ball and discretely drop” guy. More on this later.

The title of this blog post is “A Comparison” so you’re probably wondering just what it is I’m going to compare. The truth is I’m seeking your judgment. I’d like to open a healthy debate if possible. So here goes: What’s worse…nose picker or ill-mannered church guy?

On ill-mannered church guy:
When we arrived at Mars Hill on Sunday we didn’t realize just how many people would be there. It was the first open worship service at this location yet there were probably between 200 and 300 people there. We were pointed to the balcony so we headed upstairs and sat in the first row with Micah in tow. The balcony slowly filled and after the singing was complete a young couple came and sat directly behind us.

They arrived just as the sermon was starting yet immediately the two of them began whispering to one another. Not a statement or two, but prolonged conversations. This happens to be one of my pet peeves so, in light of the fact that I was at church among other Christians, I had to consciously put my instincts aside and ignore the chatter. I know, I’m so good at taking the high road. Soon their conversation was joined by something new…they were watching something on a smartphone…which I tried to convince myself must have been a Bible app. The girl’s jangly bracelets chimed over and over and she whispered and talked with her hands while huddling over the phone with the guy.

Soon I felt something brush against the hair on the back of my head. I turned slightly to look and saw the guy was leaning forward with his elbows on his knees in what I call the “reading while taking a dump” position. Apparently he was leaning forward so far that he was literally touching me. Shortly after that I realized he was snorting up snot pretty frequently very close to my ear. He had a touch of the sniffles. Then he burped within 10 inches of my ear. The whispering continued until the end of the sermon and when it was time to sing again I heard the guy say “there, we made it” then both got up and left.

First: what were these two doing there? Second: who was more wrong…the two inconsiderate parishioners behind us or me for being so annoyed by them? Third: Was their behavior more or less acceptable than frequent nose picking?

On nose picking:
I recently saw a bumper sticker that read “I <3 2 Fart”. I thought to myself “it’s about time someone said it”…am I right? So I’m taking the same logic and applying it to nose picking. Sure, we could all blow our noses. I get that, it’s fine. But there’s just something so satisfying about precision mining rather than dynamiting the whole tunnel. I am most prone to pick while driving. I also often pluck my nose hairs while driving. That’s more painful, but it’s better than tickling my upper lip every time I breathe. I mentioned the roll and dispose technique earlier and that’s what it comes down to. Roll the booger between your fingers and toss it out the window, roll and toss into a garbage can, roll and fling on the ground if you’re outside. If you’re still a wiper you need to stop. There are better ways than smearing a wet snot glob on the underside of a table. Oh, and another thing, don’t eat your boogers. While it’s been proven to strengthen your immune system, it’s disgusting. Everyone has to draw a line somewhere and that’s where I draw mine. I never want to floss chewy nose clods out from between my teeth. Never. Also, I never want to make out with my wife only to find a hidden glob of Play-Doh stuck somewhere in there. They say that in the Middle East people wipe their poopers with one certain hand and they shake hands with the other. Similarly I have found it’s a huge advantage that I am solely a left-handed picker. Being right-handed I rely on that hand for everything which frees my left to dig for gold at practically any time. Unfortunately, recently my nose has changed its booger crust formation habits. I don’t know if a new well has sprung or if the original nasal flow has been diverted into a new creek bed but the fact remains that I have a new spot in my nose that is constantly uncomfortable with dry cling-ons. The worst part is that this particular area is most easily cleared by the fingers on my right hand. Imagine the hygiene issues! Great…now I have to wash my hands with “soap”. The trials I have to endure are rarely this difficult, but you should know that I’m coping and I’ll get through this.

Feel free to comment. Feel free to share. But lastly I’m here to say this: I may be a nose picker, but I’m a considerate nose picker.

Tremendous Thirty-Third

Here’s a riddle for you: What’s 99 divided by 3? Answer: Me. That’s right, I turned the big 33 on Monday. Contrary to unpopular belief it didn’t hurt. Quite frankly I didn’t feel a thing physically. What’s really cool is that my twin sister turned 33 on the same day. What are the odds of that? Well, I’ll tell you they’re a heckuva lot better than her being my identical twin sister like so many people have asked in the past. Think about it! We’re not identical if we’re different genders! THINK ABOUT IT!

You’re certainly wondering “what did Keith do for his birthday” and I’m here to tell you I did most of the things I love to do. I woke up in the morning (always a good way to start the day…the alternative is so morbid). I took a shower, I shaved, I ironed my clothes, I flew out the front door because I was late taking my son to school. I arrived at work about 20 minutes late for the 8:00 Monday morning meeting. My tardies are excused on account of dropping the boy at school, but it’s nice when I’m in closer to 8:05. No big deal. At this meeting I got to meet my new coworker, Sky Wolfe. Is that really his name? Yes.

The only reason I went into work was because there was a meeting at 10:00 that I really wanted to attend. Meetings I really want to attend occur about once every never, but for some reason there was one on my birthday. Before the meeting I filled out the company birthday cards for the month in my usual unique style. Sky Wolfe got a “Dear Sky, I hope you shoot for the stars. Keith”. I also told Brenda, our HR person, “Dear Brenda, Something innocuous. Keith”. This way I can’t look like an idiot like the time I wrote on our President’s card “Dear Trish, Nobody ever writes the word ‘poop’ on the boss’s birthday card. Keith”. That actually went over far better than the time I called a prospect a “turd knuckle” in our sales meeting. Live and learn I guess.

So I bolted out of the office to get to the golf course I worked at years ago. It’s a great private club that I’ll never have enough money to join but Eric the Great did me a really nice favor and I was able to play out there with Scott and Andy. I was stoked because I love these guys and we got to play one of the best courses in town for free on my birthday. The forecast called for showers, but when you have a pastor in the group, God cooperates (thus, no rain! Yay!)

Well, he cooperates for everything except your golf game. I couldn’t hit the ball. I was topping shots all over the place as if I didn’t know how to play the game. I started to lose my temper then blew right through that and began to lose my mind. I started dropping GDs and Fs in front of a pastor. That’s not something I typically do. I literally said at one point “I can’t handle this anymore. I don’t know how I’m going to go home to my family and act happy after putting up with this crap. What am I going to do?” I told you, I lost my mind for a while.

Then, all of a sudden, on the 10th hole I started to play golf again. I actually played one of the best set of 9 holes I’ve ever put together. Now I don’t know what to do the next time I completely lose it. Curse God or remember that everything is going to be ok. Only time will tell.

So after golf I drive home and find the house decorated for our party of 5. Dang it, not the Jennifer Love Hewitt Party of Five (although I do have an autographed 8x10 of her that reads “Keith, Please stop calling, it’s over!!!! XOXO Jennifer Love Hewitt”). No, I mean me, Taela and the kids. There are streamers and colored pictures on the wall. It’s fantastic. We end up going to 5 guys where I ate for the first time all day (except for a hippie, earthy, delicious pop tart knock off Scott graciously gave me on the course). I made a pig of myself as usual. It was awesome.
We came home and I opened my presents. First off was a FANTASTIC Portland Timbers jacket. I love it! The second was a bag of socks.

We watched some Parks & Rec (awesome) and went to bed. I played poker online and watched the season premier of House. You’ll never guess who guest starred as the dude in prison who can get you anything…drumroll please….STEVE URKEL!!!!!!

How could a birthday get any better than that? Who knew how great a birthday could be when you close it down with Urkel in the slam?

Oh, in case you didn’t realize…if the word is in a different color you can click on it and it will link you to something I’ve picked out for you. You’re welcome.