Thursday, October 20, 2011

A Comparison

We have been church shopping for a while now. If you’ve never done it, it’s not the easiest thing in the world. It’s great meeting new Christians and learning how they worship, but it’s also difficult because you go into each place with a loose preconceived notion about what it is you’re really looking for. We’ve tried maybe 5 churches in 5 months, but we’d yet to find the right match for us as a family. Some places have good music but weak sermons, some have good sermons but no real children’s ministry, etc. etc.

Well, last Sunday we decided to try out Mars Hill Portland which is a plant from a large and thriving Seattle-based church. We really liked everything about it. In fact, I even had the chance to relive some of my political campaigning days after the service when a group of 20 protestors chanted outside and screamed at everyone, including children, about how we were bigots who are going to hell. I mean, what’s not to love about that?

I’m not really here to write about the sermon or the church. What I really want to write about is a bit taboo, but if you can’t blog about these things then what’s the use of having a blog? I pick my nose. I’ve done it for a long time. I’ve refined it as I’ve matured. No longer do I “flick and hope”. No longer do I “smear and hide”. I’ve become more of a “roll into a ball and discretely drop” guy. More on this later.

The title of this blog post is “A Comparison” so you’re probably wondering just what it is I’m going to compare. The truth is I’m seeking your judgment. I’d like to open a healthy debate if possible. So here goes: What’s worse…nose picker or ill-mannered church guy?

On ill-mannered church guy:
When we arrived at Mars Hill on Sunday we didn’t realize just how many people would be there. It was the first open worship service at this location yet there were probably between 200 and 300 people there. We were pointed to the balcony so we headed upstairs and sat in the first row with Micah in tow. The balcony slowly filled and after the singing was complete a young couple came and sat directly behind us.

They arrived just as the sermon was starting yet immediately the two of them began whispering to one another. Not a statement or two, but prolonged conversations. This happens to be one of my pet peeves so, in light of the fact that I was at church among other Christians, I had to consciously put my instincts aside and ignore the chatter. I know, I’m so good at taking the high road. Soon their conversation was joined by something new…they were watching something on a smartphone…which I tried to convince myself must have been a Bible app. The girl’s jangly bracelets chimed over and over and she whispered and talked with her hands while huddling over the phone with the guy.

Soon I felt something brush against the hair on the back of my head. I turned slightly to look and saw the guy was leaning forward with his elbows on his knees in what I call the “reading while taking a dump” position. Apparently he was leaning forward so far that he was literally touching me. Shortly after that I realized he was snorting up snot pretty frequently very close to my ear. He had a touch of the sniffles. Then he burped within 10 inches of my ear. The whispering continued until the end of the sermon and when it was time to sing again I heard the guy say “there, we made it” then both got up and left.

First: what were these two doing there? Second: who was more wrong…the two inconsiderate parishioners behind us or me for being so annoyed by them? Third: Was their behavior more or less acceptable than frequent nose picking?

On nose picking:
I recently saw a bumper sticker that read “I <3 2 Fart”. I thought to myself “it’s about time someone said it”…am I right? So I’m taking the same logic and applying it to nose picking. Sure, we could all blow our noses. I get that, it’s fine. But there’s just something so satisfying about precision mining rather than dynamiting the whole tunnel. I am most prone to pick while driving. I also often pluck my nose hairs while driving. That’s more painful, but it’s better than tickling my upper lip every time I breathe. I mentioned the roll and dispose technique earlier and that’s what it comes down to. Roll the booger between your fingers and toss it out the window, roll and toss into a garbage can, roll and fling on the ground if you’re outside. If you’re still a wiper you need to stop. There are better ways than smearing a wet snot glob on the underside of a table. Oh, and another thing, don’t eat your boogers. While it’s been proven to strengthen your immune system, it’s disgusting. Everyone has to draw a line somewhere and that’s where I draw mine. I never want to floss chewy nose clods out from between my teeth. Never. Also, I never want to make out with my wife only to find a hidden glob of Play-Doh stuck somewhere in there. They say that in the Middle East people wipe their poopers with one certain hand and they shake hands with the other. Similarly I have found it’s a huge advantage that I am solely a left-handed picker. Being right-handed I rely on that hand for everything which frees my left to dig for gold at practically any time. Unfortunately, recently my nose has changed its booger crust formation habits. I don’t know if a new well has sprung or if the original nasal flow has been diverted into a new creek bed but the fact remains that I have a new spot in my nose that is constantly uncomfortable with dry cling-ons. The worst part is that this particular area is most easily cleared by the fingers on my right hand. Imagine the hygiene issues! Great…now I have to wash my hands with “soap”. The trials I have to endure are rarely this difficult, but you should know that I’m coping and I’ll get through this.

Feel free to comment. Feel free to share. But lastly I’m here to say this: I may be a nose picker, but I’m a considerate nose picker.


Who's this Randy Guy Anyways said...

I too am a nose hair plucking motorist. I find it makes me sneeze a lot, which in turn, makes me a bad driver.

Kyra Matkovich said...

I'm not sure which is funnier, the post or your labels for the post. Funk, Jesus, Gold.... HAHAHAHAHAAH You're too much.
And if it makes you feel better, I, too, <B 2 Fart, but I still have yet to get over the inappropriateness in public, or around my mother, or around someone else's mother. I would love to make this final hurdle. Why? Because farts are funny.

Anonymous said...

dude, you should do stand up. I'm laughing hard!