Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Tremendous Thirty-Third

Here’s a riddle for you: What’s 99 divided by 3? Answer: Me. That’s right, I turned the big 33 on Monday. Contrary to unpopular belief it didn’t hurt. Quite frankly I didn’t feel a thing physically. What’s really cool is that my twin sister turned 33 on the same day. What are the odds of that? Well, I’ll tell you they’re a heckuva lot better than her being my identical twin sister like so many people have asked in the past. Think about it! We’re not identical if we’re different genders! THINK ABOUT IT!

You’re certainly wondering “what did Keith do for his birthday” and I’m here to tell you I did most of the things I love to do. I woke up in the morning (always a good way to start the day…the alternative is so morbid). I took a shower, I shaved, I ironed my clothes, I flew out the front door because I was late taking my son to school. I arrived at work about 20 minutes late for the 8:00 Monday morning meeting. My tardies are excused on account of dropping the boy at school, but it’s nice when I’m in closer to 8:05. No big deal. At this meeting I got to meet my new coworker, Sky Wolfe. Is that really his name? Yes.

The only reason I went into work was because there was a meeting at 10:00 that I really wanted to attend. Meetings I really want to attend occur about once every never, but for some reason there was one on my birthday. Before the meeting I filled out the company birthday cards for the month in my usual unique style. Sky Wolfe got a “Dear Sky, I hope you shoot for the stars. Keith”. I also told Brenda, our HR person, “Dear Brenda, Something innocuous. Keith”. This way I can’t look like an idiot like the time I wrote on our President’s card “Dear Trish, Nobody ever writes the word ‘poop’ on the boss’s birthday card. Keith”. That actually went over far better than the time I called a prospect a “turd knuckle” in our sales meeting. Live and learn I guess.

So I bolted out of the office to get to the golf course I worked at years ago. It’s a great private club that I’ll never have enough money to join but Eric the Great did me a really nice favor and I was able to play out there with Scott and Andy. I was stoked because I love these guys and we got to play one of the best courses in town for free on my birthday. The forecast called for showers, but when you have a pastor in the group, God cooperates (thus, no rain! Yay!)

Well, he cooperates for everything except your golf game. I couldn’t hit the ball. I was topping shots all over the place as if I didn’t know how to play the game. I started to lose my temper then blew right through that and began to lose my mind. I started dropping GDs and Fs in front of a pastor. That’s not something I typically do. I literally said at one point “I can’t handle this anymore. I don’t know how I’m going to go home to my family and act happy after putting up with this crap. What am I going to do?” I told you, I lost my mind for a while.

Then, all of a sudden, on the 10th hole I started to play golf again. I actually played one of the best set of 9 holes I’ve ever put together. Now I don’t know what to do the next time I completely lose it. Curse God or remember that everything is going to be ok. Only time will tell.

So after golf I drive home and find the house decorated for our party of 5. Dang it, not the Jennifer Love Hewitt Party of Five (although I do have an autographed 8x10 of her that reads “Keith, Please stop calling, it’s over!!!! XOXO Jennifer Love Hewitt”). No, I mean me, Taela and the kids. There are streamers and colored pictures on the wall. It’s fantastic. We end up going to 5 guys where I ate for the first time all day (except for a hippie, earthy, delicious pop tart knock off Scott graciously gave me on the course). I made a pig of myself as usual. It was awesome.
We came home and I opened my presents. First off was a FANTASTIC Portland Timbers jacket. I love it! The second was a bag of socks.

We watched some Parks & Rec (awesome) and went to bed. I played poker online and watched the season premier of House. You’ll never guess who guest starred as the dude in prison who can get you anything…drumroll please….STEVE URKEL!!!!!!

How could a birthday get any better than that? Who knew how great a birthday could be when you close it down with Urkel in the slam?

Oh, in case you didn’t realize…if the word is in a different color you can click on it and it will link you to something I’ve picked out for you. You’re welcome.


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