Sometimes in life you’re just sitting there minding your own business when reality decides to broadside you right in the face. If you’re like me you live in this kind of bubble where you think you are pretty introspective but in reality you’re just a biased arse who doesn’t give a crap about perspective when it comes to you.
Back before I was cheated by Bodog (now Bovada) online poker (that’s another story altogether that 95% of you wouldn’t understand and 98% of you would find incredibly boring, but suffice it to say that I was truly cheated by someone who cracked the program and there’s no way I’m getting my $200 back!) I used to semi-watch a lot of TV shows. They were shows I considered second-tier. Not good enough to command my full attention, but good enough to put on the DVR and then give 30% of my attention to as I played poker in bed. Among these shows are House, Ghost Hunters, Bones, Leverage, Tosh.0 and Man vs. Wild. Most of these shows used to be on the A list, but they’ve grown tired and repetitive. Leverage is only on the list because it’s filmed locally and, despite the fact that I’ve never seen them filming, I constantly search the screen for shots of myself…just in case.
Well, now that I no longer play poker on Bodog (did I mention I was cheated and you shouldn’t ever play poker on there, ever?) I have to make some critical DVR management decisions. I have this weird OCD about the DVR. I never want to erase anything I haven’t watched even though that thing isn’t really worth watching. I don’t understand it, but I work within these confines.
So a few nights ago I was watching Man vs. Wild. This used to be one of my favorite shows of all time. I mean Bear Grylls is the manliest of men. He can climb anything, eat anything…really DO anything when you think about it. How many people have you seen kill a skunk with nothing but a knife, cook it then eat it and tell you it tastes like someone smeared your steak in dog’s droppings?
Well, I was watching Man vs. Wild with my undivided attention (because I had been cheated at Bodog/Bovada online poker last month, you should never EVER play there) and they flashed back to a couple of past scenes in which Bear gets naked. He does this sometimes when he’s in cold weather so he can keep his clothes dry or get his wet clothes away from his skin. And that’s when it hit me…
I couldn’t really follow what was going on because I was focusing 100% of my attention on Bear’s blurred out crotch. Not being a guy who tends to gaze at male genitals I tried to figure out what I was doing. It felt natural as though I made a habit of searching the blur in the past. What was I looking for? I asked myself. Well, I answered, I was looking for shapes…specific shapes…recognizable shapes in the blur. I was looking for Bear’s junk. Why? Why was I looking for Bear’s junk? I asked. Well, I answered, if I see Bear’s junk then I can be outraged that cable television subjected me to staring at a penis. Huh? I wondered. I don’t know, I replied.
That got me to thinking. I’ve stared pretty hard at countless blurs, studying, searching. When the blur is complete and unreconfigurable (I made that word up) I always feel a bit dissatisfied. I feel as though I’ve failed or that the show withheld something that it owed me. Conversely, when the blur is small enough to allow my imagination to fill in the details then I’m shocked and outraged that they would show that much genital (male, female, top, bottom…it makes no difference) on TV. How dare they show that much private part!
What am I getting at? Isn’t it obvious? I’m an a-hole. Not the kind of a-hole that gets blurred out on network television. I’m the kind of a-hole that wants to watch someone take a risk (show partial nudity) and then roots for them to fail (accidentally show full nudity). In fact, I’m not just rooting for the fail, I’m actually inspecting it with a magnifying glass to find the failure.
Or maybe I’m reading too much into it. I mean, let’s face it, genitals are funny looking.