Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Feast with me

It’s always a melancholy time for me when the holidays end. No more Christmas to look forward to. No more gift buying. No more pretty lights. No more annual sentimental movie traditions. But worst of all, no more excuses for eating like a giant hog.

“Oink, oink…it’s the holidays. I have to eat like this,” I say over and over in November and December. “Of course my face is looking fat…I haven’t shaved in 3 hours AND it’s the holidays! What self-respecting American has only one chin anyway?”

Now it’s January and it’s time to start your workout routine. It’s time to reintroduce yourself to that personal trainer who offered you a free session back in July. It’s time to dust off those P90X DVDs you put away back when you were more active before the rain and cold sent you into a hibernation that has stretched the holes in your belt into some bizarre oblong shape. It’s time to buy the 2-year 24 Hour Fitness membership at Costco because if you make that big a financial commitment then you’ll HAVE to work out.

Well, fatty (and I’m talking to me)…I’m here to announce one more thing you have to train your body for. And this time it’s all about gluttony. What I’m about to tell you is going to make all those extra scoops of gravy and melted butter seem worth it all these weeks later.

Let me tell you a little story. I once organized a pickup baseball game for a bunch of has-been old-timers like myself. I actually did it twice, but this story is about the first time. With a great deal of help from a lot of people we were able to field two full teams of former baseball players. We went out there and pretended like we were teenagers again. It was a blast. Instead of having a 7th Inning Stretch I brought a barbeque and hot dogs. We fired it up and started cooking enough hot dogs to feed a small army. I ate one and it was fantastic. So I had another and it was pretty dang good too. Then I started thinking about having a third and this guy I had never met before came over to me and said “you’re thinking about having a third dog aren’t you?” Yes, should I? “Let me tell you something…you’re chasing that high and you can’t get it back.” Huh? “You’re chasing that high. Remember how you felt when you ate that first dog?” Yes…wonderful. “How did you feel when you ate the second?” I felt good, but not AS good as the first. “You see what I mean? You’re chasing that high. You need to stop at two because one was as good as it was gonna get. You’ve reached the point of diminishing returns and there’s no getting it back now.” Thanks weirdo.

Needless to say I ate that third dog and it made me feel pretty crappy for the last few innings. But it got me to thinking all philosophical and stuff and he really was right. Whoever that guy was he really knew what he was talking about. To this day that is the best advice I ever...I’m digressing here…the point is HOT DOGS!

Think about them for a minute. What a wonderful invention. So the meat industry finds it has all these by-products that are pretty foul and impossible to sell in their original form (think lips and a**holes here). So what do they do? They press them into the shape of a penis and tell you to slap it into a bun and then somehow convince you it’s manly to eat these things hot off the grill...and you buy it! You eat lip and butthole penises all the time because they're delicious!

I’m telling you all of this because I have an announcement to make. I haven’t yet come up with a location, date or format for it but…drumroll please… in the very near future is planning to host a hot dog eating contest paid for by revenue generated by the blog itself. All interested parties should contact me (Keith) at so that I can get an idea of just how big an event I am planning. There are two local brewers who have agreed to make special brews dedicated to this amazing event.

My plan is to have this thing happen in early March. I’m hoping it takes on a life of its own. Because here’s the deal…I’m talking about hot dogs and beer. Please leave comments here or email and let’s go out and debauch ourselves with nitrates!


Anonymous said...

Your dear high school friend Amy Ware is a veteran hot dog contest eater... She is well known in the Alaskan wiener gobbling circuit. I think her last competition was in November. I'm sure she could give you some tips ;)

"Keen" Keith said...

Why does this not surprise me. I haven't had much feedback on this contest yet so I hope it's not a complete flop. "Flop"...heh heh.