Censorship

There’s been a lot of talk about censorship the past couple days. I don’t really understand the legislative issue, but I think you’ll understand what I’m getting at despite what’s being censored:

Last night when I got home from work I had the urge to head straight upstairs and take a nice, hot, steaming ****.  I placed my **** directly above the water. Just before I lowered my **** down into the pool of water below I thought to myself “I don’t want to take a normal ****, I want this to be the best **** I’ve ever taken.” The thought crossed my mind: “I really need to light a candle!” So I rushed off quickly to find a scented candle to create the ambiance to take the perfect ****.

I threw my robe on so I wasn’t running around exposing my**** to everyone and I started digging around for a nicely scented candle. So I finally found a nice apple-spice candle and a matchbook. I lit a match and accidentally dropped it on my ****! “AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!” Holy **** did that hurt! I started running around and my **** fell off! Now I was running around with no ****, my **** was getting cold and I still really needed to get in there and take a nice, long ****.

I made my way back into the bathroom and I looked in the mirror. “Man I wish my **** hadn’t fallen off.” Things aren’t looking as good as they used to. I figured that was probably something that eventually happens when you get old anyway.

It was then I realized that to take the ultimate **** I was going to need some peaceful music to coax the stress from my body. I went and found my iPod and turned on the perfect **** soundtrack. Piano music…listening to a master tickle the ivories while I’m taking a **** is so theraputic. You should try it some time.

 So finally I was ready. I took my ****, dropped it down into the water and instantly felt TOTAL relaxation. It was like an envelope of steaming **** washing over me. I breathed in deeply and let the vapors fill my lungs. “Now THIS is the life!” I thought to myself.

When I was nearly asleep from a wonderful **** coma, I dunked my head into the water covering my hair and face. Amazing!

Don’t you love taking a nice relaxing bath?

Censorship Key:               bath, body, body, bath, bath, bath

                                                self, foot, moly, robe, robe, body, bath

                                                robe

                                                bath, bath, bath

                                                body, heat

                                                bath

You're out!!!...or you'rein?

I don’t watch the news on TV. I don’t often read the paper. I do, however, read the news online typically on KATU.com. I do this in part because it keeps me up to date on current events and local happenings and in part because I love to leave absurd and sometimes inciting comments after the story. It’s amazing the enjoyment I can get out of saying something inflammatory to a group of out of balance message board nerds and then watching the wrath come down because I’m not sensitive enough about the plight of pit bulls. It’s fantastic.

Recently I read an article on KATU.com about a man who worked at a high profile castle in Vienna which housed a “major art collection”. So now you have to get an image of this guy in your head. You see, Alfred Zoppelt is 57 years old and had been working at this castle for 23 years. Like you, I’m picturing an astute gentleman in an outdated top hat with some too-formal suit who looks directly down the length of his nose when he speaks to you. He’s probably come to believe that he owns the castle over the decades, right?

Now, with that picture in mind, you have to wonder why this man was fired. I’ll tell you. He regularly rubs his own piss into his face and his hands. He does this for undisclosed “medical and cosmetic benefits”. Apparently it’s called “urine therapy” and it has all the confirmed scientific benefits of the late night infomercial-driven colon cleansing products on the market that claim you have poop spackled to the walls of your colon which drain your energy every day. Honestly, if you haven't seen this guy talking about your colon you need to click the link before this sentence, scroll to the bottom of the page and watch a couple of clips.

It turns out Mr. Zoppelt is not the only disciple of the pee-pee wash down. After further research I stumbled upon the fact that this phenomenon apparently infiltrated the clubhouse of my favorite sports team. You see, former Cub outfielder Moises Alou believed that peeing on his hands toughened up the skin. Toughens up the skin? Tell that so someone who has passed a kidney stone. I’m pretty sure the “skin” of the urethra is about as tender as it gets.

Listen, I kind of backed myself into a corner with my first post about the guy pulling his own giant turd out of the toilet. I want you to know that not everything is about human waste, but seriously, you need to know that people are out there right now peeing on their hands and rubbing it into their face. If you see someone with a yellow complexion they’re not jaundiced, they just need someone to politely suggest they take a wad of toilet paper and wipe their face.

Below is a picture of Alfred Zoppelt extolling the virtues of his treatments.