After years of living in the past, last week I was finally able to join the future.
A lot has been said about the impact of Steve Jobs on our society. The advancements he made in technology are astounding and it is with great pleasure that I announce to you that I have made a quantum leap and now possess the greatness that is the iPhone 4s.
For years I have known people who own iPhones and I have been jealous of these handy little devices. I can clearly see that iPhoners are able to surf the web more quickly, efficiently and fully than I ever could on my Blackberry. The touch screen is an amazing concept. The gyroscopiatic (with technology this profound the “old language” isn’t enough to do justice so I feel compelled to enhance my adjectives to express the full grandeur of this marvel) properties allow for applications to sense the most minute tilt of the device. It’s clearly an amazing tool with nearly unlimited capabilities. Oh…and it makes phone calls too.
When my iPhone was delivered to the office it was like Christmas morning for me. It was as if I had been living in a one dimensional world…just a single ray heading off in a straight line of Blackberry dust when all of a sudden the universe exploded into a 4 dimensional expanse of space-time. It was as if someone had given me a barrel full of multi-colored M&M’s when all I had ever eaten were brown rabbit turds.
The first thing I learned is that the new iPhone comes with a personal assistant. Her name is Siri and she is brilliant. Now I have to tell you that she has a little more pride than I was expecting. She won’t help me clean myself after making solid waste. She also won’t comb my hair, brush my teeth or wash windows. Come to think of it she doesn’t always know her place, but she is very helpful when it comes to other every day tasks. All I have to do is verbally ask her for something, she puts it in writing then answers my question. Some examples:
Aside from Siri, the iPhone 4s gives me access to so many countless things I’ve never known I’ve always wanted. Obviously this new device is going to help me write more insurance business. No doubt having all the world at my finger tips at any given moment will free me from the shackles that have held me back in the past. I have spent a great deal of time scrolling through the app store to find more and more tools to make my career…my life…better. Here is a list of what apps I have installed. Their benefits are likely too many to mention, but most are obvious. You will no doubt envy me so I ask your forgiveness in advance for gloating.
1) Flick Home Run – This game is designed so that I can use the tip of my finger to hit cartoon baseballs. It has changed my life.
2) Bobble Me – I can take a picture and turn the person in it into a bobble head. Imagine the power I now wield.
3) NameScream – I can choose any common name from the list then have either the Lunatic, Creeper, Devil, Ghost, Banshee or Zombie tell that person anything from “Happy Halloween” to “I’m under your bed” to “you’re hot”. Communication will never be the same.
4) BroStache – I am a Geico commercial.
5) Sound Board – I have 20 different sounds at my finger tips. If you tell a corny joke around me I can give you the rim shot (badum-CHING). If you tell a dumb joke I can give you the wah-wah-wah. If you leave the room I can make it sound like Scooby Doo just scrambled out. And I will.
6) Bleep Button – I no longer have to cuss to make my point. I can merely imply 4 letter words while making a bleeping noise. Think how much easier it’s going to be to get into heaven.
7) Shotgun Free – Can you take your phone, pump it as though it’s a shotgun and then shoot it with nothing more than recoiling from the imaginary kick? No? Then I guess you’re not me.
8) Revolver – Let me just say that Russian Roulette has never been so fun.
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST…
9) Prank Mirror – Now I can look at myself in ways I never could before. I can look deep into my soul. I can become truly introspective and view myself in different lights…many different lights. The app allows me to truly get to the root of all that is KeenKeith…and what I have found so far is beautiful…some examples:
For whatever reason my wife thinks much of the time spent on my new IPhone is wasted. I have heard from other husbands and wives that this is a very common reaction. While I completely understand why anyone would be upset about me diverting my attention to something other than them I believe it’s obvious from what I have just told you that the iPhone is essential, not merely a toy or entertainment. To anyone who disagrees with me I have only this to offer:
Disclaimer: Any immoral or illegal suggestions above are for illustration and entertainment purposes only. I do not use my company phone to buy drugs or hire prostitutes.