Tuesday, November 8, 2011

The Chive

WASHINGTON – In a controversial move the Senate today passed a bill expanding the definition of federally protected minority groups. SB 3427, better known as “Wyden Hate” after its author Ron Wyden (D – Oregon), will bring under hate crimes protection many previously unprotected groups which have long lobbied unsuccessfully for full federal protection as minority classes. The new groups to be given minority status include “racists and other organized movements of hatred directed toward other protected minority classes.” Both major political parties agree that this language will close the loophole in current hate crimes and minority status legislation that allows for discrimination against bigots.

Spokespersons for groups such as the neo-Nazis, the Ku Klux Klan and the Skinheads say they feel vindicated by the legislation that, once signed into law by President Obama, will finally legitimize the equality they have been fighting for all along.

“This historic bill will ultimately bring equal opportunity to all Americans. It has been said that the Civil Rights movement stopped short of its potential for making change,” said former Klan Grand Wizard David Duke in a statement. “Today that potential has been filled. No longer will racists, sexists and people who throw the word ‘tard’ around in polite company be looked at any differently for their personal beliefs.”

Minutes after voting was complete Reverend Jesse Jackson remarked on live television that “I knew Dr. King. I knew Dr. King and believe me when I say that he knew me as well. In fact the depth to which I knew Martin can only be matched by the depth to which he knew me.”

Al Sharpton added, “Today, November 8th in the year of our lord two thousand and eleven, will be remembered. As the day. The day! WE! As Americaaaaans. Were declared fully free.”

Wyden Hate is the culmination of a national movement which gained nationwide support and popularity over the summer. Known as Free2H8, the movement came in response to a swell of anti-racism protests that popped up throughout the country. Free2H8ers have clashed with many anti-hate group rallies in major cities throughout the United States since the first known such clash occurred at Portland, Oregon’s Pioneer Courthouse Square in late May. At that rally Portland Police, fully clad in riot gear, began to beat back the crowds of anti-haters (commonly referred to as Racistists) only to find they were being assisted by a new mob of anti-anti-haters. Amidst the confusion several haters, anti-haters and anti-anti-haters were shot with bean bags which left dark bruising and caused at least one rioter to crap his pants.

In a printed statement Ron Wyden said, “Today we turn the page of history. No longer will our children be raised into a culture of racistism. We will teach ours and future generations to accept all views. We have taken a giant step toward the eradication of hate-hate and perhaps to a lesser extent hate-hate-hate. We have brought into the light those who discriminate against other races of people they see as inferior and we have told them ‘fear no longer.’”

Other groups protected under the Wyden Hate law include sexists, religionists, heightists, ageists, wealthists, uglyists, fashionists, mentalists and major league a**holes.

One old man who has been following Senate Bill 3427 closely on C-SPAN while drinking hooch and wearing his suspendered pants up over his hairy, naked stomach remarked “finally I’m free to call a n***er a n***er without feeling ashamed.”

The President is expected to sign the bill into law after returning from his vacation to the Hamptons. In his absence the White House issued the following: “This administration came to office on the tide of hope and change. Today we have taken progress to a new level. As a country we have not only eradicated the toxicity of discrimination, but we now also offer unbalanced legal protections for those who practice the discrimination that we have eliminated. God Bless America.”

According to recent polling the vast majority of Americans support Wyden Hate. Polling shows that Americans have grown weary of “people who hate bigots”.

Opponents of the bill are few but include a small grassroots movement that has emerged on social networking site Facebook purporting to be a centralized organization in support of hating the hatred of the hatred of protected classes. This bold group has on many different levels gone to war with those Americans who casually throw out the phrase “don’t be a hater.” The ‘Hate the Player, Don’t Hate the Game’ contingent has yet to comment. Other splinter groups have sprung up but have yet to make a significant impact on the debate. These groups include “Faggots are a bundle of wood” and “Chinks are something found in used armor”. A spokesperson for “Nips are a cheese cracker that pale in comparison to cheez-its” declined comment for this story.

KeenKeith Press and its affiliates

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