Friday, September 23, 2011

The only problem with public school is they'll let anybody in

So last night was open house at my son, Caleb’s, school. He’s in second grade and showing us around his class was apparently a pretty big deal for him. He was excited which was exciting to see so we were excited and everything was exciting for this excitable family of five.

The first moment of excitement came when we were walking toward the school and found the mass of bodies packed into the small courtyard in front of the cafeteria. HOT DOGS! Nothing says “your children are getting a premium education” quite like an unlimited supply of charred Bar-S mixed meat franks! If you think I’m complaining you’re wrong. I ate three.

During “dinner” one of Caleb’s friends came and sat with us. He seemed like a good kid and I know Caleb really likes him. I gave a friendly “hello” to his parents but there was no conversation to be had and the three of them rushed away before Taela was even back from the water line.

Next Caleb took us to his classroom. There was some kind of mass Exodus as we were trying to maneuver our bulky stroller in so we waited and watched the interesting array of parents make their way out. If you think I’m kidding when I say that one mom has certainly lost some battles with meth and one dad looked like he came directly from Jersey Shore then you’re just wrong. Exciting!

We entered the classroom…or should I say sauna? Turns out that the environmental control unit runs during school, but not after hours. The window (singular, not plural) doesn’t open. We were in an oven…and Caleb was STOKED to show us EVERYTHING! Soon Micah wants to be held so I’m walking around inside this furnace holding a little mass of heat and I’m sweating and I realize there are 36 desks in this inferno. They have 36 kids packed in like sardines. Tangent: sardines are not a kind of fish…sardines are herring that are called sardines because of the way they are packaged (thank you Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader!). At this point the excitement was nearly unbearable and I needed a couple Extra Strength Excedrin.

Well the reason I attended the open house in the first place is that Caleb told me there would be a box full of Smarties. If we guessed the closest to the actual amount we would win a BOX FULL OF SMARTIES! I mean who doesn’t need hundreds of packages of pressed sugar pills to chase their third “meat” frank? Here is a picture of the parent guesses:

See there in the blue? See it? I can’t quite make out the name so I’ll just guess that it reads “Derrick Colon”. He guessed “420”. Nice one Derrick…make a pot reference at your second grader’s open house for everyone to see. No wonder your last name’s Colon because you’re a real ass hat.

That aside, Caleb’s teacher is great and she recognizes that he will need to be challenged because he’s super smart and blah blah blah and he’s a delight and yadda yadda yadda. Good kids make boring blogs, but they make proud parents and I’m stoked.

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