Dear Priceline - Regarding Green Motion - Heathrow

UPDATE:
My bombardment of information to Priceline was heard! A chief executive read this blog and took action. He sent this to the Rental Car management team at Priceline who also read it. They reached out to Ace Rent A Car who then immediately called Green Motion Heathrow's owner and had my money refunded. Priceline has been helpful after having my story sent down from the top of their corporate structure, but they say they are not in position to dictate to Ace Rent A Car who they can an cannot partner with. I don't love this answer, but what this does is it means I should now be putting pressure on Ace Rent A Car to sever their relationship with Green Motion Heathrow. To date Ace Rent A Car has done nothing to imply they are planning to end their affiliation with Green Motion Heathrow. I am gathering as much information as possible from past customers who have also been defrauded in an effort to end this revenue stream for Green Motion.

Please email me your experiences at GMHfraud@gmail.com. I am collecting this information so I can share with Green Motion's affiliates just who and what this company is. Nobody should be directed there only to become the next victim of fraud.

ORIGINAL TEXT (sent to Priceline):

I am a price shopper. I need to say that up front because it’s what has led me to your website many times in the past. And I’ve endured some bumps in my travel along the way in pursuit of saving a buck. I’ve flown Spirit Airlines in the past which I booked through Cheapoair.com…if you’ve ever done something similar you know the downsides to something like that. So to a pretty high degree I’m used to putting up with long lines and sub-par service when I travel.

Having said that, until now, I have never felt the need to go back and warn others to avoid my experience. Over the past few weeks I have been trying to reach someone of sufficient authority at Priceline who will really, truly listen to my experience (and those of many, many others). All I can seem to reach is the front-line customer service representative telling me that my comments are being forwarded to the appropriate people and that they are being taken seriously and that a resolution is being attempted. The only resolution I want from Priceline is that they stop doing business with Green Motion, or at the very least Green Motion – Heathrow. Let me explain…

For my 40^th birthday my wife gave me the trip of a lifetime (to date). We flew to London, did a quick tour of Scotland including playing golf at The Old Course at St. Andrews,  we attended a Chelsea soccer match at Stamford Bridge, we then toured England with our remaining days. Along the way we traveled by air, train, underground (subway) and rental car. We had some timing issues with some of the modes of transportation that were minor hindrances, but nothing out of the ordinary during an international trip. However, all that changed when I booked a car through Priceline. I sincerely hope someone actually reads through my experience, understands it, empathizes with it and values it because it’s important that your company knows what fate it is sending your customers to. It’s important that you realize that Priceline is built on improving the travel experience and that, when partnered with seedy rental companies, it is actually ruining that experience for many of your customers.

Back to our trip…we were planning our trip on the fly, usually booking our place to stay through Airbnb just a day or two in advance (and at one point about an hour in advance). At a certain point we determined that we would need to rent a car in London the evening of Sunday 9/30. We didn’t know exactly what time as we were spending the entire day on a two person, fast-forward sight-seeing London adventure. We did this on foot and via the underground. Our plan was to get to the end of our packed day of tourism and then make our way to Heathrow where I booked us a car through Priceline at ACE Rent A Car.

You see, I have rented through ACE in the past. It’s typically cheap, which I like. It’s usually off-premises so it takes longer to check out, but to me that’s worth the price savings. We were planning to rent for 4 days and the total cost listed on Priceline was only $41.71 (American) in total. It was a great deal. It noted that there was a “Shuttle Service” to get there and booked it because I was familiar with ACE and was comfortable to that end. Biggest mistake I’ve ever made while travelling. Ever. My chief concern was that I needed an automatic transmission which I was able to reserve. I failed to see that I was only allotted 360 kilometers for that price (which I think is a typo as England uses miles and the guys that worked there stated the same number in miles). This was limiting, but not terrible but plays into the story later.

Shortly after 5:00 pm it became apparent that we wouldn’t make it to Heathrow for a few more hours so I called the toll-free ACE phone line. They transferred me to “the local branch”. The phone rang for several minutes and then disconnected. What I mean by this is that I let the phone ring (unanswered) so long that it actually timed out. Not knowing what else to do I then assumed I had fulfilled my responsibility to reach out to them and went about getting to their location as soon as possible. 

“Shuttle from the airport”

We picked up our luggage, got on the underground and headed toward Heathrow. Upon arrival I looked up instructions online about the “shuttle”. A few things here:

1.       Hotel shuttles are not allowed at Heathrow…they have “Hoppa Busses”.

2.       It was much easier to find the bus depot than the hoppa bus pickup. The lady working at the bus depot directed us back to the terminal where the buses take people to various hotels

3.       There was a 5 pound per person charge to ride the hoppa bus (something I was unprepared for, so I ended up paying a terrible exchange rate to get the proper currency…and later found out that I could have used a credit card).

4.       The bus runs MAYBE every 20 minutes. It felt like a very, very long time.

But I would argue that consumers should know about all this hassle up front…in detail. Once you experience it you can find references to pieces of the headache it is to get there in the fine print, but until you read the reviews of all the frustrated customers you really don’t know how bad it’s going to be. I have rented off-site countless times in the past…this was the worst experience I’ve ever had. Unfortunately the web-reviews of angry, frustrated customers are the only realistic online descriptions of the experience.

Experience at the rental counter

Upon arrival at the Holiday Inn Express where the rental company is located I looked around and had to double check that I was in the right place. Why? Because it turned out I wasn’t renting from ACE at all, I was renting from a company I had never heard of called Green Motion. At this point it was roughly 9:00 pm and we were 2.5 miles (and 10 pounds…or $13) from the airport…we were stuck in the trench I had somehow dug for us...marooned here with really only one option: namely, endure whatever lay ahead.

I entered the small rental office and was third in line with two people already being helped (so, kind of fifth in line). There were three young men working behind the counter. One of them was loudly and constantly complaining that he was long overdue to have left for the day. He refused to help any of us. He was jovial and actually kind of funny, but he didn’t do a thing to help move the line along. As I waited I observed the sales pitch the two guys actually helping customers pressed on all the people in front of me. It took well over an hour for me to finally reach the front. If you’ve never had to wait in one of these lines, just know that it wears you down. You’ve traveled a long way to get in the line and all you want is to be freed of this place so you can go fine a pillow to lay your head down. The last thing I observed before my turn was one of the sales guys badgering an Irishman in front of me into taking the full damage waiver at 99.99 pounds per day.

When I was finally ‘helped’ it went as follows:

1.       “What’s your reservation number?” I handed him my phone with the Priceline reservation listed. He couldn’t find it in the system. After a few minutes of searching his computer he asked what time my reservation had been. I said “5:00”. He said because I was so late (I arrived before 9:00 and it was now after 10:00) that the car I had reserved was already rented to someone else and they couldn’t honor the price. To which I replied “I called you shortly after 5:00 but none of you answered the phone. It rang for several minutes but nobody picked up. Eventually the system hung up on me.” To which they replied “did you email us?” “No, I called you.” “Oh, dang, if you had emailed us then we would have a record of it and I could honor the price.” “Give me my phone. I’ll show you the duration of the call I made to ACE…you know, the one you didn’t answer?” After several more minutes they somehow collectively decided to honor the price as reserved on Priceline.

2.       “Do you need more than 90 miles per day? That’s all you have available in your price. It’s $6.50/day to get unlimited mileage.” I decided to take that because we didn’t want to be limited and we were considering driving to Wales. I didn’t love it, but it was there on the Priceline reservation…I had just missed it because I’m used to always getting unlimited miles. (It would be nice if the distinction between unlimited miles and limited miles were more clear on your reservation page).  

3.       I had to explain to them that I had a temporary driver’s license from Oregon. Because this was my birthday trip it had coincided with my driver’s license renewal. I had the old permanent license with a hole punched through it along with the paper copy of the updated one that was valid until I received the new plastic copy in the mail. I let them know that I had just a few days prior rented from Sixt with the same license. Their response was “we can’t do this…we believe what you’re saying but our manager won’t let us do things like this.” I can’t tell you the amount of anxiety these guys were giving me. There is a sign posted on the wall behind them stating that it is a crime to assault Green Motion employees. At first the sign seems laughable, but then you go through the emotional grind they subject you to and you quickly begin to understand why people want to hit these guys. I don’t know how to describe what it’s like going in there, but I’m trying my best to put you there. I’m not embellishing any of it…but I digress. Eventually they relented on the temporary license. I don’t know what changed their minds or if they even planned on denying me in the first place. It could well have been a tactic to wear me down. I truly don’t know.

4.       Now it was time for them to tell me how much I need to buy their insurance packages. I’m used to this from every other car rental experience I’ve had…or so I thought at the time. I explained to them that I have $50,000 of physical damage coverage through Visa just by using the card I was renting with. Their reaction to this was so well-rehearsed it was comical. The guy that I was talking to looked at the other guy and literally said “how do we even do that? I’ve never rented without an insurance plan.” You and I know they are getting commissions or bonuses on up-selling ‘insurance’. But listen to me when I say this…these guys were not going to let me rent this car without buying one of these plans. They literally told me they didn’t know how they could let me take a car without purchasing a plan. Think about that for a minute. Not “you understand you’re liable for anything that happens to the car if…” but “we can’t rent this to you unless you purchase at least our base package”. This is where your Priceline price guarantee is being broken. They simply are not honoring the reserved price. After a couple minutes of song and dance about how nobody has ever gone without insurance they finally were able to locate a form where I signed on for the full liability of the vehicle. He was still acting as though he didn’t know what to do. It had a place for the rental agreement number and my signature. It couldn’t have been more straight-forward. I signed it and as he was scanning it the other guy hit me with this “you realize you’re accepting an unlimited excess by declining coverage, right?” To which I replied “no, I don’t even understand how you’re using the word ‘excess’ in this context.” He then went on to explain that the security deposit they put on my credit card would be “unlimited” unless I chose one of their plans. I said, “my card obviously has a credit limit like every other card on the planet so you can’t put an unlimited deposit on it.” He said “there you go, I don’t see how we can let you do that.” At this point I’m exhausted, I’m angry and I just want to get in a car and make my 2 hour drive to our destination. I said “what does your cheapest plan cost?” It was 9.99 pounds per day. I told them if they gave me unlimited mileage for free I would take their cheapest plan. They then tried to explain all the levels of plans in as confusing a way as possible. I had trouble following most of it and didn’t need physical damage insurance to begin with so I told them to give me the base plan and let me get out of there. They then put a 1400 pound security deposit (what they apparently termed ‘excess’) on my card and pointed me to the hotel, telling me to walk all the way through to the back to pick up the car. Did I say 1400 pound deposit? Yes I did. It was something like 300 at Sixt…a much more reputable company.

Experience getting possession of the car

My wife and I walked to the back lot. It’s a pretty long walk. I went into the office and a decent enough young guy told me he’d bring the car up. We walked to where he was going to meet us. As we got there a big, young employee of Green Motion got into a car that had been returned and literally peeled out, screeching the tires for a 30-40 yard drive to the washing tent. He skidded into the spot there. I point this out for two reasons. First, there was an Asian woman standing nearby who had been in line ahead of me and was nearly hit by this guy. It was dangerous what he was doing and it was also totally unnecessary. He apparently wasn’t being supervised because nobody said a word to him. He showed no regard for the safety of anyone, let alone Green Motion customers. Second, that’s the kind of care the employees have for these vehicles. They are NO DOUBT damaging these cars if not intentionally, then through reckless behavior. You probably already understand where this is going, but this is a vital point for later. The employees are treating the vehicles in a way that is damaging them post-check-in. Think about that…if the car has already been inspected then the file has been noted about any additional scratches. But if the guy washing the car damages it then whatever damage he causes is done post-inspection. It’s not logged in the system so it puts a huge burden on the next customer to inspect and find the scratches that are created by this guy who is tearing around the parking lot.

The young man who brought our car around said that because the lighting was so poor he couldn’t do a walk around with me. I was to email the listed address by 10:00 in the morning to show any damages that were not already shown on the diagram of the vehicle. The diagram showed many scratches and dings. His casual “sorry, I can’t do a walk around with you right now” should have been a red flag for me, but as I’ve stated before I’ve never been taken advantage of like this at a car rental company so I didn’t know to have my attorney hat on.

Experience with the car

The next morning we slept in, having been up late trying to rent the car in the first place and then making a 2 hour drive. We had spent roughly 90 minutes, maybe even a bit more, renting the vehicle. I didn’t think to do the walk around of the car until about 10:30. There were minor scratches all over the car. I didn’t think much about them because many were noted on the diagram and they were all light, surface scratches. I did find a chip on the handle of one door and an unnoted scratch on the rear bumper. I took pictures of these, updated the diagram and emailed it to the Green Motion email address. In retrospect I should have taken a full video of the entirety of the vehicle…but is that really what you want your Priceline customers to do when they use your services? Is it?

Understand the importance of the above paragraph. I found 2 blemishes during a casual inspection of the vehicle. On the check-out report there were already 10 scratches/dings noted on the car in their system. I added two more after my inspection. That means there were AT LEAST 12 notable blemishes noted on this car. How can you expect a customer to inspect a vehicle and keep track of scratches that are literally numbering in the teens (because, as you’ll soon find out, they added 3 more upon my return).

I drove the car a lot, but I was careful with it. I didn’t park under any trees. We never heard anything hit the car while I was driving it. We didn’t scrape even so much as a curb. Nothing. There were no scratches added to the vehicle while we had it. None. I am an honest person and I stake my personal reputation on it. You can give me polygraph test. That car was in the same shape when we returned it as it was when we left that lot.

When we returned the car it was before hours. We had a morning flight and I had never flown out of Heathrow so we arrived early. We found an open spot near the return area (although there were no obvious signs stating where exactly to park rental returns before hours). We looked for a key drop and found none. We walked through the hotel to the Green Motion office and as I was about to drop the keys in the slot I realized there was someone inside. I popped in and said we had just returned the car around back. The young lady said I had to give the keys to the guys in the back. I said I had just come from there and everything was closed (it was 6:00am). She said her colleagues had just headed back there and I needed to go meet them. I was annoyed at this as I had just come from there and the older man working behind the desk said I could leave the keys with them. Worst mistake I could have made, but I had a bus to pay 10 pounds for so we could get to the airport.  

We caught the hoppa bus and went on our way, but I had a nagging feeling that I had made a mistake by not being present at the check-in. As I said, I had never flown out of Heathrow (or any other European airport) so my number one concern was making the flight on time and getting on our way home to see our kids. Obviously, in retrospect, I would have gone back and done the walk around. It’s much harder to rip someone off to their face than it is after they have flown home to another continent.

Post-rental experience

I have an app that keeps track of my credit card transactions. We returned the car on Thursday, October 4^th at just before 6:00 am. I found a charge on my card on Saturday (through the app). There was a pending transaction for $1,783.68. I didn’t know if this was the security deposit or if it was an actual charge. I figured it was the security deposit since I knew the car wasn’t damaged in my care. When the charge went from pending to a true charge I decided to get in touch with Green Motion. They don’t have a toll free number to call. As far as I can tell they don’t have any kind of corporate contact availability. I had to use their website to put through an inquiry about the charge. I did so on 10/9 (according to the time stamp…I don’t know if that is London time or Portland time). Their response came on 10/9…again I don’t know what local time…and just asked for my rental agreement number and my name. It was then that I saw an email that had come in after 1:00 in the morning my time that stated very generically that I was being charged for:

The total repair will be made up as follows:

ANY scratch 16mm to 200mm - PAINT BROKEN, NOT DENTED - £579.50 + £0.00 VAT
ANY scratch 16mm to 200mm - PAINT BROKEN, NOT DENTED - £579.50 + £0.00 VAT
Alloys wheels 19" or bigger or any Diamond Cut alloy scuffed > 15mm up to a maximum of 100mm - £125.00 + £25.00 VAT
- £29.17+  £5.83 VAT

Total Damage Price - £1,313.17 + £5.83 VAT

That was when I learned what they were trying to do to me. I forwarded this email back to Elysia, the person who had asked about my rental agreement number. Eventually, on 10/15 I did finally receive a reply from her including pictures of some scratches that they claimed had occurred during my time with the car (they did not). I was charged nearly $1800 and the pictures didn’t come until a week and a half after the car’s return. If it’s not obvious to you what’s being done here, they are preying on overseas customers. They knew I was flying out of the country and they charged my card days later. I now know I should have jeopardized making my flight (I had a decent enough time cushion) and gone to the back to make them tell me to my face that they would be stealing from me. Or, perhaps they wouldn’t have challenged me in person (I tend to think they wouldn’t have).

I have asked them how I can dispute these charges with them. They have not replied.

Resolution

First let me say that I was being truthful about Visa insuring the car. I made a call to them and they have noted the file to indicate that I may have to file a claim. To my knowledge, backed up by conversation with Visa, this will be a covered claim. What this means is that I’m not fighting for ‘my’ money at this point. If Green Motion wins (and they shouldn’t…they are thieves) it is insured and it will not come out of my pocket. I’m spreading this information as far and wide as possible because it’s the right thing to do. Because I need to stop others from being subjected this kind of legalized theft.

I have filed a dispute with my credit card company indicating that I believe this charge is fraud. And it truly is. I don’t know if those scratches were on the vehicle when I checked them out or if they were added later by someone after I dropped the car off. Either way, they know what they are doing. They are advertising a ‘too-good-to-be-true” daily price then holding YOUR (Priceline’s) customers hostage to either buy the full damage waiver for over 10x the reserved price OR taking their pound of flesh off the back end by making up damages that were either preexisting (and barely noticeable) or they’re adding scratches after the fact which is an even more blatant type of fraud.

I have contacted you, Priceline, many times now. I have not asked that you refund my money, although I wouldn’t turn you down if you did. What I want from you is for you to sever your relationship with this Green Motion. Your relationship appears to be with ACE in the first place. As stated, I have rented from ACE before and they have been fine. It is their agreement to usher people to Green Motion in the name of ACE that must be terminated immediately.

Online Reviews

I understand that I am but a single person on a big internet in a big world. In fact, never have I felt that to such a degree as I have attempting to speak to someone of importance at a company, Priceline, with a share value north of $1,800. Except that a great deal of my argument has less to do with my personal experience and more to do with the experiences of MANY others.

1.       Trip Advisor

https://www.tripadvisor.com/ShowTopic-g186338-i17-k4478457-Green_Motion_Car_Rental_Heathrow_Airport-London_England.html

Following the above link will lead you to a post that someone took the time to write on 5/11/2011. This is from an Australian person who has only posted once on Trip Advisor but felt compelled to do so to warn others. You can read through the 237 responses spanning 7 years on your own time (I know you won’t). However, I just read through all of them. There are 106 negative reviews vs 16 positive reviews. Post #129 caught my attention as it notes that 2 ½ years ago this company was under investigation for the volume of complaint against it:

129. Re: Green Motion Car Rental Heathrow Airport

Mar 22, 2016, 12:34 PM

I am staggered these people are still in business. What I spoke with Trading Standards after my incident with these criminal fraudsters, I was informed they were the subject of a current investigation due to the sheer volume of complaints they (trading standards) have received. However, two years later they are still at it??!

Here is another list from a more recent complaint showing additional links to feedback about this company. Note that the first link takes you to a newspaper article detailing how Green Motion treats customers:

https://www.vergelijkautoverhuurders.nl/reviews/green-motion/; https://www.yelp.com/biz/green-motion-car-and-van-rental-orlando; https://www.trustpilot.com/review/greenmotion.co.uk; https://www.reducemyexcess.co.uk/car-hire-reviews/green-motion.aspx; https://www.tripadvisor.co.za/ShowTopic-g186216-i15-k4154008-Green_Motion_car_rental_deception-United_Kingdom.html;

This listing (although from a website designed for people like me who feel wronged) has good information from consumers. I deeply deeply hope that you will take the time to investigate it:

https://green-motion.pissedconsumer.com/review.html

2.       Yelp

https://www.yelp.com/biz/green-motion-london-heathrow-airport-middlesex-3

15 reviews, 2 are positive, one neutral. By my count that’s 12 negative and most felt as though they had been defrauded.

3.       Press

The following article properly summarizes what Green Motion is doing and how it is taking advantage of its customers. Please read it in its entirety (I know it’s long and arduous, but this is a company that is bringing down Priceline’s reputation).

The Guardian (https:/…green-motion-car-hire-bills)

This article was published in June of this year and details what so many of us have experienced.

From the article:

• They are wildly overcharged for small blemishes, which may have been there before hiring – such as £400 for a barely visible scratch.
• On collection, staff often fail to mark existing damage on the rental agreement. On return, staff pore over the car looking for the tiniest blemish.
• Blemishes are found on the underside of bumpers and bodywork that cannot reasonably be seen when hiring.
• Staff will often identify a piece of damage in a way that suggested they had prior knowledge of its existence.

…

How is it able to offer such low prices? Maybe an indication comes from its job adverts for vehicle inspection staff. The ads say that they will be paid a bonus, even though the job does not involve sales. When we posed as a possible job applicant, we were told that we would earn commission, although the details would only be revealed at interview stage.

4.       Priceline

Do you have a mechanism for customer reviews? If you do I can’t seem to find it. I have not been able to share my experience with other Priceline customers. Please direct me there if such an option exists. And if there isn’t…why not?

Conclusion

I’m begging you to take my feedback seriously. I have never complained to anyone about a car rental company before. You have to see the pattern here. You have to know that you are sending your trusting customers to a ‘partner’ who is very likely to steal from them. Green Motion – Heathrow is literally defrauding YOUR customers. I can’t imagine that nobody on your management team cares about this. Perhaps I’m naïve? Maybe this is just part of the process and you take the bad with the good? But I won’t stand for it. I won’t be stolen from. I simply won’t.

After sending this letter to your customer service team I will be packaging this, along with the correspondence I have with customer service and the very scant information I have received from Green Motion themselves, and sending it to the board of directors for Priceline. I will be sharing this information and my plea to Priceline with every travel message board I can find.

Please, please…PLEASE stop sending the next victim to this scam! Please?

Sincerely,

Keith Hattori Jr.

Adventures in Youth Sports - 6 Year Old Soccer

The older I get, the better I am at recognizing my faults when interacting with others. That doesn’t mean I’m good at correcting my faults. That doesn’t even mean I necessarily WANT to correct my faults. I’m just saying that in recent years I have developed an ability I didn’t have before that allows me to analyze a situation (usually after the fact) and figure out where I was the culprit or the instigator. I’m not yet to the point of feeling as though I was ‘wrong’ very often but who knows what my 40’s might bring?

So, in my experience, the three areas of my life that seem to be magnets for the most conflict are as follows: Social Media (duh), Driving, Youth Sports…not necessarily in that order. I’ve already blogged about conflict while driving at least once (maybe more times than that?…dammit, memory, would you just WORK again?) so I won’t address that too much here. And one day, probably AFTER Dennis Yamnitsky’s memorial service, I will probably write up something about my social media experiences. But for today…today let’s dive into the wonderful world that is the sideline of a youth sporting event.

How many different people do you think have cast an F-bomb in my direction while watching my kids’ sports in the last 3 years? If you said 3 you’re probably low but those are the only ones I have actually HEARD because they were very very apparent and direct and LOUD. Unce, tice, fee tines an eff you.

Before I dive into Episode I of the “Eff You Sports Dad” (actually it turns out I already did Episode 1 and completely forgot about it because I write so infrequently! Episode II will be forthcoming) series let me back up to my very first sports confrontation as a dad. It was so long ago now that I’m sure the other parent was found in a gutter with a needle hanging out of her arm and that the kid involved was long ago sentenced to life in the state pen. That’s right, this was about 7 years ago when my oldest was playing 6 year old soccer.

What’s great is that I was the assistant coach to Bobby Dickerman who is like the most positive, upbeat dude you could ever want to meet and have your kids play sports for. High fives all around. I sat next to him at the Positive Coaches Alliance seminar a few weeks back and he could have been teaching the class. To me it was like a foreign language (hash tag kidding not kidding…did I do that right?).

Bobby Dickerman - How could you not love playing sports for this guy???

Well, one day Bobby couldn’t make the game which made me the head coach and we were playing against a team that had a bully kid on it. Even at 6 years old there was one completely undisciplined kid (we will call him Shtunk) who just shoved the other boys over, gave not one but two craps about ‘rules’, called names, cussed at our players and didn’t talk back at his mom (the assistant coach of their team…we’ll call her Shtink) so much as YELL back at her when she occasionally attempted to correct him. In my harsh blogger-speak it was obvious this kid had no father-figure.

So there was a rule at this age that was kind of unique. There were little pop-up goals but there were no goalies. To keep kids from guarding the goal (goalie style) there was a coned-off area about three feet in front of each goal in which neither team was allowed to kick the ball. This way if the ball was rolling in, it would roll in. This was not a rule that Shtunk cared about. As I said, for this one game Bobby wasn’t there to be the good guy and my frustration, if you were watching me and not the game, was visible on the sideline. Shtunk kept kicking the ball out of the no-touch zone (thereby taking goals away from our players) and was truly unteachable. And Shtink, as I said, was their assistant coach…and their head coach was missing on top of everything so she was also in charge. Every time I became frustrated Shtink had some sarcastic remark for me…she took it upon herself to strain to hear what I was saying to myself and project it across the field for all to hear. It was clear that the Shtunk apple was leaning right up against that Shtink tree…a real Shtunk off the ole’ block. I did my best to ignore her but did come back with things like “you have to teach him the rules…all the other kids are playing by them.” Anything I was going to say to her at that point was going to be taken negatively so that’s about all I offered.

Well, the next time we played against that team (a few weeks later) both our head coaches were back. Their coach was the kind of guy you would see driving around with metal testicles hanging off the back of his truck…you know the guy. He’s brawny and unshaven and walks real shouldery and loves NASCAR. And he came in with a major chip on that shouldery walk. Why? Because Shtink had been chirping in his ear about me, that’s why. And it was evident all the parents had been riled up too because they were loud and it was all directed at me. Whatever. I’m a big boy. I rise to adversity. I drive a Toyota Prius.

So Shtunk did the same thing he always did a couple times in the game. I can’t remember how it was handled. But then, in the second half, it happened. One of our better players saw the other team take a shot and he just started sprinting. He caught up to the ball just short of the goal and slid and kicked the ball away. Total rule violation. First time I’d seen anyone on our team do that intentionally all year. I’m sure I hung my head. And this is what was amazing…the entire side of the field…all of their parent section just lost it! “OOOOOoooohhhhh…THAT’s AGAINST THE RULES!” “CHEATER” it was loud. They’d been waiting all game for it. I took a few steps toward them and yelled “That’s a goal! It counts as a goal.” I mean they’re pissed at me (thanks to Shtink) and now they’re trying to belittle this really good natured 6 year old on our team. Well, the testicle truck guy’s wife, who I actually went to high school with, wouldn’t let it go. Yelling. Yelling. She’s in crazy good shape and muscular and looked and acted roided up…it was literally just like having Jillian Michaels go off the rails nuts at you. Finally I just said loudly while pantomiming like I was talking to a little kid “If you (pointing at them) can’t cheer (making an exaggerated slow, silent clapping motion) for your (pointing to them) kid (pointing to the kid who just scored the goal) when he scores a goal (pointing to the goal) then I can’t help you (animatedly shrugged my shoulders while shaking my head condescendingly).” Then I clapped toward the kid and told him “nice goal, kid!” because nobody else was gonna do it.

Terrifying

After the game the kids did the handshake thing or high five or whatever. Their coach didn’t participate. I walked up to him to clear the air. What was great about this is that Shtink was over on the sideline yelling at Bobby to go break this up because (loudly) “they’re gonna fight! They’re gonna fight!”. It was nuts. I just went over and talked man to man with the guy about where the conflict originated and how I thought this obnoxious woman on the sideline was just an instigator, agitator, perpetuator, alligator?, and escalator of conflict. I remember saying matter of factly “I don’t have a conflict with you” kind of pulling from Martin Blank’s “there is no us”’ conversation in Grosse Pointe Blank. I addressed the rule that I had been concerned about and gave him my concerns about the way the Shtink had played, shook the man’s hand and walked away. That was it. We never played them again. I couldn’t recognize any of them if I saw them now. And I’ve grown up a lot since then…or have I?

I guess you’ll have to wait for next time when things get crazy at 7th grade soccer.